Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Lady Ninja Kaede 2

What I Knew Going In / What I Was Expecting

Well, at first I was expecting Lady Ninja Kaede 2 to be some low-budget nonsense with zombies or something, but then I saw that Netflix used the word "erotica" in the description and my capacity for rational thought immediately jumped out the window.

"Erotica" is not a term you normally see on Netflix.  They sometimes stream some raunchy stuff, but they don't usually have anything that can be deemed "pornographic," soft-core or otherwise.  Netflix operates on the Blockbuster / Hollywood Video model where any sleaze that makes it into their catalog is either unintentional or at least dressed up in the veneer of a thriller so you have a good excuse when you're caught watching it.

So, if you put something right out there as "erotica," I don't know what to expect.  My mind immediately jumps to late-night HBO programming, which, if my memories of being a horny 13 year-old are accurate, is surprisingly boring as hell.  This gives me reason to second-guess my decision to watch Lady Ninja Kaede 2.  If I'm going to introduce a pornographic element to my blog, do I really want to do so in as dull a fashion as humanly possible?

I mean, I'm not above porn.  It's just that if you ever see me put up a post about "Slam My Tight Coed Booty 4," then you know I've clearly run out of ideas.  There's still room for this blog to grow right now.  (For example, I have not seen any of the Fast and the Furious, Planet of the Apes, Final Destination, or Wishmaster movies, to name a few franchises.)

...but what the hell.  The movie's only 70 minutes long.  Let's go for it.

So, back to the original point.  What am I expecting?  I guess Kaede, a lady ninja, is a sex vampire of some sort.  In order to survive, she has to have sex and drain the life force from other people.  In Part 1, she was bitten (screwed?) by another sex vampire, but survived somehow and was infected.  In that movie, she learned how to control her powers and eventually fought / killed the vampire that infected her, and now she uses her sex vampirism to kill bad guys and criminals. So Part 2 is going to be about her continued adventures as a sex vampire / vigilante / ninja, but she's being pursued by some kind of sexual justice league that wants to kill all vampires.

The Plot Summary

Holy shit, guys.  Forget whatever expectations you have for this movie.

This is a straight-up comedy.  It's the definition of "farce."  It's crammed to the gills with sex, sure, but it's a comedy through-and-through.  Why it wasn't labeled as such, I have no idea.

It's set in Edo-period Japan after the rate of sex crimes has suddenly spiked.  A new law enforcement group - the Sex Punishers - has been created to aid in bringing stability back to the land.  Kaede is one of the best, and she's been assigned to a dangerous new mission.

It seems there is a filthy new sex cult on the rise that is infecting people with lascivious new thoughts.  Their leader has removed the penises of three men and mixed them up in a magic vat to produce the Dildo of Legend (not its actual name, but what do you care), which the cult worships and uses as a way to spread their lustful thoughts across the country.

Their penises are also replaced by endless, insanity-inducing voids. Naturally.
Kaede's mission is to find and destroy the Dildo of Legend in order to quell the sexual plague.  Unfortunately, when she touches it, she is infected with sex fever and finds herself filled with uncontrollable urges.

Her bosses do some research and find out the only way to destroy the Dildo of Legend is for Kaede to hunt down the three men whose penises were used to create it, strap the dildo onto them, and have sex with them.  Once all three have been properly sexed, the Dildo will be destroyed and Kaede will be free.

Assisting her on her mission is her boss's gay lover, whom she has a crush on, but who is unable to reciprocate the feelings.  They find the first two dickless guys and Kaede has sex with them, and then the gay guy reveals that he's the third.  She's about to have sex with him, too, but then the villain shows up and kills him.  The other Sex Punishers and the villain fight and the Dildo of Legend is destroyed when Kaede uses a "Reverse Dildo Attachment!" magic spell, which involves her thrusting the dildo head-first into a cosmic void where the villain's crotch should be, and the reverse polarity of the pseudo-penis waves creates a singularity that kills him.

The day is saved, but unfortunately, Kaede is still infected with urges.  She vows to continue her work as a Sex Punisher and walks off into the sunset.

As you can probably tell, this is not a plot-heavy movie.

What I Liked

When this movie is funny, it's really funny.  It's base and stupid and pervy, sure, but it's funny.

Lady Ninja Kaede 2 is the kind of movie that gets a stupid, gross idea for a sex joke and decides to just go for it, and I appreciate that.  Needless to say, it's not for everyone.

It's the kind of movie I can't possibly do justice by describing.  The best moments really have to be witnessed.  I'll try to give some examples, though.

1) When Kaede is first infected with Sex Fever, she has this prolonged fit where she can't stop masturbating with the Dildo of Legend.  It's as explicit as you can get without actually showing insertion.  Her coworkers just watch on with deadpan, tired looks, and when they try to give her commands the next day, they're just like, "Jesus, Kaede, can you stop that for a minute?"  She'll nod and say, "Uh-huh, I got this under control.  Um... hang on.  Wait. [Still masturbating.] Wait.  Um, okay, I'm good. [Stops. Starts again.] What were you saying?"

2) After Kaede vanquishes the second dickless guy, he thinks for a long time about how good their sex was and goes, "Young lady... you are... [Gives a sudden thumbs up as the camera zooms in on a giant grin] super erotic!"

3) Any time the villain is choosing which of his acolytes will go to hunt down Kaede, they lay prostrate on the floor, bare-assed, and the villain makes his selection by throwing rose-darts into their anuses.

And so much more.  There are moments I can't even begin to approximate in words, like when a penis cloud explodes out of a hut and sends an astral rainbow penis projection into the sky.

In short, it's so absurd and stupid and gross and constantly saturated with squish squish sound effects that I feel like I should be ashamed for laughing as hard as I did, but instead I almost want to give it a recommendation.

You'll absolutely feel like a perv while watching it, though.  But to be fair, if you took out some of the nudity and swapped the gender, the depravity would not be that far off from an American sex farce.  This one is just way more creative.

What I Didn't Like

...um, the sex, I think.

The problem is that this movie is trying to function as soft-core porn as much as it is trying to be a comedy, but that doesn't work.  Soft-core is inherently a stupid thing.  The purpose of pornography is such that you really can't dull it down or mix it with other genres.  Nudity and sex?  Sure, you can put those in whatever movie you want, but pornography is a whole other thing.  It has one specific goal and one specific use and that's it.  You either do it or you don't.

To put it another way, imagine you're trying to murder somebody.  If you want to poison them, then you poison them.  You don't dilute the formula and mix it with Coke and hope they just get a little dead.

As a result, soft-core just ends up getting boring.  Let's be frank: it's all the stuff most men would skip over when watching actual porn, only there's nothing to fast-forward to.

And that's the case here.  The movie will have a great gag that makes you burst with laughter, and then you wipe a tear away and wait for the next one... and wait... and wait... and they'll still be having fake sex... and you'll wait... and then just when you start thinking you might turn it off, there'll be another big laugh.

Don't get me wrong.  The actresses are gorgeous and I'm not upset to have seen their breasts.  I just liked them a lot more when they were making me laugh.

Would I Recommend It

Sort of.  This really needs a 20-minute Youtube edit to show off the good parts.  Otherwise, you need to be willing to put up with a lot of tedium.  Also, you have to have the right sensibilities about both sex and comedy.  So, for all ten of you who fit into that category, I'd say go for it - there are some genuinely funny moments in here if you can make it through the slog.

A good litmus test would be something like Oglaf Comics.  Try reading through four or five of his strips first.  If you think they're funny and you're not immediately appalled or hung up on the raw, explicit sexuality, then you'll probably enjoy (some of) this movie.  Otherwise, give it a pass.

What I Think the Prequel Was About

Kaede starts out as a sex warrior in Part 2, so I'm guessing in the first one her sister or cousin was raped or otherwise assaulted and Kaede went looking for revenge.  Except, I'm not sure how you make that funny.  I'm guessing that's probably why Part 1 didn't make it onto Netflix.

My Pitch for Another One

I can't even begin to come up with a good plot.  Just get that Oglaf guy to write and direct it as an animated feature and we're all in for a treat.

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